[ "I'd Hit That" Meme Post - delphinidae ]

[carcharhinidae]

It seems like you're not getting what you wanted here, Rin.

I don't want anything here! But the least these idiots could do is not decide if they'd punch me in the face or not!

You must have wanted something though, to even ask the question.

Ugh. You're not helping matters, you know. Not even a little bit.

You asked me this once a long time ago too. Do you remember?

... I remember.

I never gave you my answer.

Yeah. You were supposed to go think about it.

... Did you?

I did.

[He could probably take this chance to just ask Haru outright what he thought about and what conclusion he came to in all of this, but he's not convinced he'd get a good answer even if he did ask that. It might just leave him feeling a bit embarrassed because no matter how much he tried to play it cool there would probably always be some tell, something that gave away that nervous, anxious energy.

So instead he does something far more logical: deflects, diverts, delays.]

What, you actually thought about it, or you thought about it in the abstract?

Do you still think that matters? You can't really do one without doing the other anyway. [As he discovered when he first sat down to try.] I only did what you asked me to.

You didn't do it because you wanted to? Tch! Why do you always have to be like that...

[Ugh, Rin why are you being so difficult about this. He's trying to tell you something.]

You're never happy with anything are you.

Oi! You were the one who said you only did it because--!

[No. Stop. Bad. This turning into a fight won't help either of them.]

... I just meant you should want to think about it, not just do it because I told you to. There's no point unless you want to.

[Haru, at least, isn't so quick to anger. He'd rather they not fight because it always makes him feel sort of worn thin and tired when they do.]

I never said I didn't want to think about it. I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

But I don't think I'd have done it if you didn't want me to either.

[Rin is quiet for a little while, seeming to be satisfied and subdued by Haru's clarification.

He shifts his weight a bit, sheepishly glancing to one side and knowing very well that he is being really very obvious indeed, so he should probably just spit it out.]

... And?

I wouldn't want it to be like when we're arguing. Or like when we're racing--at least, I wouldn't want it to start that way.

[... What the hell is that supposed to mean?

That's what Rin really wants to ask impulsively, but he knows better than to put his foot in his mouth so gracelessly when he's already had to pull himself back and reassess his emotions once.

So he instead frowns quite deeply and thinks on what Haru has said and finally lands on a question that he wants to ask.]

... How would you want it to start?

[Perhaps a better question would be what "it" was for sure, but that's clearly a minor detail.]

[Haru isn't sure how else to put that into words beyond "not like when we're racing." He just wouldn't want the competitiveness that seems so often present between them to be the frame for how they touch each other. But how in the world can he express that to Rin?]

Like--

Like swimming at night, when everything is quiet and the water is perfectly still, or

...like that time when I asked you to make rainbows.

[While to most people that might seem to completely avoid answering the question Rin is trying to get at, to Rin himself that actually sets a lot of things straight in his mind.

In other circumstances he might roll his eyes at Haru for his strange water-related ways of explaining things, but today that image is perfect. It says everything Haru would want for the two of them in a way that, for once, is perfectly unambiguous to Rin.

It's so clear it makes Rin's throat feel a bit tight and his skin tingle over his shoulders and down his back before he has to look away. He'll probably say or do something stupid if he continues to look at Haru like that.]

... It wasn't perfectly calm then. When you... asked me to-- do that. But I know what you mean. I'd do that. Just... maybe with less of the team around. It's embarrassing if everyone else is there.

I don't want to do this in front of the team. [Haru looks at Rin directly--he knows what they're talking about, he's saying, and he doesn't want their words to meander away so that they loose this faint filament that they're following.

They are, finally, in their very oblique and metaphorical way, talking about this. And though it's oblique and metaphorical--or maybe because it's oblique and metaphorical--Haru feels like they're talking about it for the first time. It's thrilling, and risky, and maybe a little bit frightening, but he means it. And he means that he wants them to talk about it, to talk about this, not everything that skirts around the edges of it--the domain in which they've tarried for so long.

He's not suggesting that the should or that they will, but he really would if it was something that Rin wanted too. And because he'd said he would, he's going to tell him.]

[And perhaps as swiftly as Rin felt like they'd landed on the same page he's lost and uncertain again. Not because of anything Haru has specifically said, in fact in some ways that perhaps should have instilled more confidence in him, but somehow Haru's resolve around "this" makes something quiver inside of Rin.

When it comes to Haru, it's hard not to double-guess things, worry about miscommunication or unspoken dangers and after all they've been through he worries intensely about ending up in another position where they may hurt one another.Not that either of them are intentionally out to hurt the other, but they've had a bit of a track record.

It makes the ambiguity of "this" feel very heavy in Rin's chest and makes him too afraid to ask for clarity. So he shifts, a hand raising to rub the back of his neck as he prepares himself internally. It doesn't feel like a race, but facing Haru even like this makes his heart pound.]

There's a lot I wouldn't want to show the team. I don't know if that makes me selfish, but sometimes I just want the two of us. Not just swimming, either.

[Haru's never been exactly big on talking. More often than not he's inclined to just leave things unsaid--if people are meant to learn things, then they will do so because the world shows them, not because he tells them. And while he may tell plenty of stories to himself, using them to make sense of things that have happened to him, he never goes telling them to others. Mostly, he supposes, it's up to each person to make sense of what they see and what they know.

But he also knows the place where his answer to Rin lies, and that the rock will never be turned unless he lifts its corner himself, tells Rin something that he can't otherwise know.]

The day that we called you to the high school--the day with the cherry blossoms.

I never suggested it.

Makoto had seen me when the blossoms started to fall. I was standing there looking out across the water and you know how he is--he knew. I guess he figured it was me who'd thought of it, but he was the one who said we should bring you there.

Only he didn't know that I was thinking about you and me there alone, without anyone else.