松岡 凛 【⩔】Matsuoka Rin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
carcharhinidae) wrote2012-08-26 10:44 pm
carcharhinidae) wrote2012-08-26 10:44 pm
Entry tags:
⪢Is There Anyone Out There?⪡
He'd finally managed to do it, to beat Haru in a real race and pull free of the hold after all those years since they'd swum together as kids. It was an amazing experience, a blinding kind of euphoria that meant that at last Rin could move forward. After he'd declared that the two of them would never swim together again after the Prefectural Tournament, Rin had turned his back on Haru to head to the changing room, a post-win high burning in his chest and setting alight the feeling inside of him that he really could advance now. Under the spray and steam of the shower, Rin could release a long, low groan of satisfaction, safe in the knowledge that a weight was off his shoulders like the water rushing down over his shoulders.
Not really caring to see how the rest of the races went, Rin had intended to sweep out of the competition space as quickly as possible, but instead found himself confronted by the rest of the Iwatobi Swim Club--exactly the people he didn't want to deal with or answer to right now. He'd tried to cut the conversation off before it began, tried to cut Nagisa down before his distress mounted too much and ignore the newer member of their team who (as far as Rin knew) couldn't swim without a kickboard. Dismissing Makoto was more difficult with his calm disappointment and insistence that Rin go talk to Haru again. There was something strange in that request, something almost pleading and the more Rin stayed to let them talk at him the more irritated he became. They just didn't get it and never would. After several emotive pleas for the team, Rin had had enough, snapping about how the three of them didn't have a damn clue about anything before storming away as quickly as he could. He was angry, unreasonably so for someone who had finally gotten over a great hurdle in his life and it lingered with him all the way back to his dorm.
And the poor mood persisted into the early evening, pushed through into the night, made Rin's sleep a restless kind, and still hung over him early in the morning before dawn when he awoke and stared at the underside of the bunk bed overhead. He hadn't engaged Nitori at all since he got back--he was just too irritated. And that was amplified by the fact that Rin should be ecstatic still after beating Haru. So why wasn't he?
At around 6am, the interface of his phone glowed and it gave a single short buzz. Why was Makoto texting him at that time of the morning?
Did you know Haru gave up swimming for three years because he upset you?|
Rin sat there for several long seconds just staring at the text on his phone in a kind of stunned disbelief, his heart pounding against the inside of his ribs and his hand trembling ever so slightly. He hadn't known. He had no idea that Haru had done something so--
It was quite possibly he startled Nitori awake with how suddenly he jumped up, threw on clothes and burst out the dorm room, but Rin didn't stop to check.
By the time he reached Haru's door and was desperately pressing the doorbell there was a sickly feeling of deja-vu spinning around Rin's head, especially as the ping-pong sound echoed without any signs of life coming from inside the house. Was Haru not home? It felt like that dream... Fortunately, the front door was locked so the sense deja-vu starts to fade. But the nausea does not and it starts to turn into a kind of panic--if Haru wasn't at home where was he? Makoto's place? It's the only time since Rin came back from Australia that he replied to one of Makoto's messages: Is Haru with you?|
It didn't take long for Makoto to confirm that Haru was not with him and though he inquired why Rin was asking he doesn't get a reply; Rin was already heading to the school to check the pool. So what if it was the weekend? If Haru was desperate enough to swim that would make no difference at all, but by when Rin arrived Haru's not there. Rin tried the convenience store near the school on the off chance, but Haru wasn't there either. Then he checked the harbour and finds nothing. By the time he reached the the weather shelter at the top of the hill overlooking the entire town and bay, Rin was panting heavily from all the running and still no closer to finding Haru and the gnawing feeling in his stomach was getting worse and worse.
Where the hell are you?
But then, as he looked across the landscape spread out before him, Rin noticed something. The sun was up and painting the sky a soft pink that faded up into blue and made the ocean all around the bay glitter from the morning light, but in the middle of the expanse of water, Rin could see something making a steady trail through the waves--someone swimming.
It could have been anyone, and it could have easily been his eyes playing tricks on him, but Rin was just desperate enough to grab at anything, so he set off quickly down the hill again and headed to the beach.
By the time he reached the sand it was clear it was someone swimming and as Rin approached the water's edge there was no longer a doubt in his mind--it was definitely Haru. As the waves lapped up at Rin's shoes and left a soft white foam outline around his feet as he watched Haru swim it occurred to Rin that after all his frantic searching he didn't actually know what he was doing there. But something swelled up inside him and all a sudden he was wading into the water, not too deep, but enough that it soaked into his socks and shoes and had the water lapping at the middle of his shins as the sound of his own voice carrying over the waves startled Rin himself.
"Haru!"
Not really caring to see how the rest of the races went, Rin had intended to sweep out of the competition space as quickly as possible, but instead found himself confronted by the rest of the Iwatobi Swim Club--exactly the people he didn't want to deal with or answer to right now. He'd tried to cut the conversation off before it began, tried to cut Nagisa down before his distress mounted too much and ignore the newer member of their team who (as far as Rin knew) couldn't swim without a kickboard. Dismissing Makoto was more difficult with his calm disappointment and insistence that Rin go talk to Haru again. There was something strange in that request, something almost pleading and the more Rin stayed to let them talk at him the more irritated he became. They just didn't get it and never would. After several emotive pleas for the team, Rin had had enough, snapping about how the three of them didn't have a damn clue about anything before storming away as quickly as he could. He was angry, unreasonably so for someone who had finally gotten over a great hurdle in his life and it lingered with him all the way back to his dorm.
And the poor mood persisted into the early evening, pushed through into the night, made Rin's sleep a restless kind, and still hung over him early in the morning before dawn when he awoke and stared at the underside of the bunk bed overhead. He hadn't engaged Nitori at all since he got back--he was just too irritated. And that was amplified by the fact that Rin should be ecstatic still after beating Haru. So why wasn't he?
At around 6am, the interface of his phone glowed and it gave a single short buzz. Why was Makoto texting him at that time of the morning?
Did you know Haru gave up swimming for three years because he upset you?|
Rin sat there for several long seconds just staring at the text on his phone in a kind of stunned disbelief, his heart pounding against the inside of his ribs and his hand trembling ever so slightly. He hadn't known. He had no idea that Haru had done something so--
It was quite possibly he startled Nitori awake with how suddenly he jumped up, threw on clothes and burst out the dorm room, but Rin didn't stop to check.
By the time he reached Haru's door and was desperately pressing the doorbell there was a sickly feeling of deja-vu spinning around Rin's head, especially as the ping-pong sound echoed without any signs of life coming from inside the house. Was Haru not home? It felt like that dream... Fortunately, the front door was locked so the sense deja-vu starts to fade. But the nausea does not and it starts to turn into a kind of panic--if Haru wasn't at home where was he? Makoto's place? It's the only time since Rin came back from Australia that he replied to one of Makoto's messages: Is Haru with you?|
It didn't take long for Makoto to confirm that Haru was not with him and though he inquired why Rin was asking he doesn't get a reply; Rin was already heading to the school to check the pool. So what if it was the weekend? If Haru was desperate enough to swim that would make no difference at all, but by when Rin arrived Haru's not there. Rin tried the convenience store near the school on the off chance, but Haru wasn't there either. Then he checked the harbour and finds nothing. By the time he reached the the weather shelter at the top of the hill overlooking the entire town and bay, Rin was panting heavily from all the running and still no closer to finding Haru and the gnawing feeling in his stomach was getting worse and worse.
Where the hell are you?
But then, as he looked across the landscape spread out before him, Rin noticed something. The sun was up and painting the sky a soft pink that faded up into blue and made the ocean all around the bay glitter from the morning light, but in the middle of the expanse of water, Rin could see something making a steady trail through the waves--someone swimming.
It could have been anyone, and it could have easily been his eyes playing tricks on him, but Rin was just desperate enough to grab at anything, so he set off quickly down the hill again and headed to the beach.
By the time he reached the sand it was clear it was someone swimming and as Rin approached the water's edge there was no longer a doubt in his mind--it was definitely Haru. As the waves lapped up at Rin's shoes and left a soft white foam outline around his feet as he watched Haru swim it occurred to Rin that after all his frantic searching he didn't actually know what he was doing there. But something swelled up inside him and all a sudden he was wading into the water, not too deep, but enough that it soaked into his socks and shoes and had the water lapping at the middle of his shins as the sound of his own voice carrying over the waves startled Rin himself.
"Haru!"
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After a few moments though, he did catch the sound of a voice on the air and paused in his strokes to turn back towards the shoreline, treading water. He was a fair way out, far beyond the crests of the breaking waves, and the morning sun was bright on the water, so at first he saw the figure wading out into the shallows without quite making out his identity. Only belatedly did he recognize the voice and realize that it was Rin.
But...what was he doing here? And why was he calling to him? Certainly he wouldn't have chased him down just to gloat, and it's not like he'd have come for camaraderie. So why? Or perhaps, Haru thought, he should start with a more fundamental question: did he want to talk to Rin or hear whatever he'd come here to say?
For several very long seconds, Haru just tread water and turned the matter over in his mind. He could ignore it--just turn and continue swimming, enjoy the solitude he'd come out here to seek and (probably) Rin would go away. But then would he just wonder about it more afterwards? That might be worse than facing whatever it was Rin wanted now. Or he could swim back to shore. But then he thought he might seem shame-faced and desperate, returning like a kicked dog when Rin had made it unmistakably clear that Haru was nothing to him now. Weighing these two courses of action in his mind, Haru just stayed were he was, his decision, for the moment, deferred.
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He waited a while, then when it started to become obvious that Haru wasn't moving Rin frowned. It started off as a frown of confusion--if Haru had noticed why wasn't he coming over? Then it became a frown of irritation--if Haru was not coming over and just staring was he somehow taunting Rin? Then it became a frown of active anger--if Haru was taunting Rin was he just going to stare at him like that until Rin left to make his point?
And then, all of a sudden something occurred to Rin and the steadily building anger faded. Haru was Haru; taunting had never been his thing. So was it more likely that Haru just didn't know what to do? If their roles were reversed (though Rin couldn't image Haru ever running after him) what would Rin think? ... Well, okay, Rin would probably wonder what was going on and come over out of pure curiosity and feign disinterest, but what would Haru do? He'd likely try to decide if it was worth the energy.
Ah.
If there was any irritation left in him, it left Rin's body as he heaved a deep sigh and allowed his shoulders to sag. What an irritating guy, but it couldn't be helped.
So he started to wade further into the waves, water soaking deeply into his shorts, then the hem of his shirt, making more and more of the material cling to his skin the deeper he goes. This wouldn't be practical for swimming, but that's really not the point.
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Haru watched in bemusement for a few seconds before the realization settles: Rin wanted to talk to him this badly. Badly enough to wade into the ocean fully clothed. And he supposed that if Rin was willing to go that far then he should at least go and hear him out, so for several seconds Haru disappeared under the water's surface, emerging a good way closer to the shore and picking up the smooth, easy rhythm of his freestyle stroke. It wasn't quite the same as the stroke he used when he swam in the race the day before--there was more gliding now, and the catch of his arms was easy and unhurried, but he still closed the distance fast.
It wasn't more than half a minute before the waves were breaking at his back and his feet were on the sand. He pulled off his goggles and let them hang around his neck as he walked the rest of the distance towards Rin, the water lapping around his hips and dripping off his hair.
When he was standing within arm's reach of the other boy, he stopped, looking him up and down with a mildly confused expression like he was wondering if Rin's mind had got all addled. From what he said, though, it seemed as though he had swum all that way just to ask the question that he'd thought of while he was still a long way off from the coast: "What are you doing?"
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As Haru drew closer and Rin's breathing from all the desperate running he did had begun to calm it gave him some clarity in his mind. Enough to realise that he didn't exactly know what to say to Haru. Fortunately, the question the other boy posed provided at least space to give a non-answer as a starting point.
"I need to talk to you."
That didn't get him closer to what he had rushed all the way out there to say, and he knew that while Haru could sometimes seem very weird and slightly dense the appearance was deceptive and could probably guess what Haru was thinking: I knew that, you're not saying anything.
Rin wondered briefly how he must look in that moment--breathing still a little laboured, a fine sweat on his forehead and exposed arms, and standing nearly waist-deep in the sea with all his clothes on. But there he was, as ridiculous as it was (and really wasn't everything a bit ridiculous since he came back?) and Haru had come to meet him despite Rin's cutting words at the end of tournament.
"You quit swimming three years ago," he said suddenly "In the pool, I mean. Why?"
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Well, really, what had he been expecting? Maybe it was something exactly like this, but in that case it would only have been the sort of expectation from a dream that he never believed would become reality.
For a moment he looked taken aback, but then his expression softened. He saw the way Rin's skin was slick with sweat and the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed and he no longer regretted the two of them meeting this way because maybe it meant that the words Rin had spoken to him after their race didn't really hold the horrible finality they'd felt like they had.
That didn't, however, mean that he was ready to give up so private an answer on the spot or that he would say it so directly. So instead he answered with a question of his own, but one that held no trace of a denial.
"Who told you?"
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"What matters is that you stopped. And it wasn't because you suddenly felt like it."
While Makoto had no reason to lie, Rin really wanted to hear it from Haru himself, even if he wasn't expected a direct admittance. He couldn't imagine Haru phrasing his reason it in terms of how his win had wounded Rin, but there might be something all the same, something to signal that Makoto was right.
Or wrong. Perhaps Rin would prefer it if Makoto really was wrong after all and Haru could confirm that. Maybe it would stop the anxiety buzzing around in his belly.
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Predictably, though, he didn't really want to get into a discussion of his motivations. He didn't want to submit his choices or his emotions to Rin for evaluation and judgment, especially not now with the lingering hurt of the day before weighing on him like a heavy stone he couldn't shift from his chest.
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It's done."
They couldn't go back to that past, even if both of them had wanted to, and Haru didn't like to think what drudging it up would make him feel now. For all he knew, Rin was just trying to rinse off the last lingering residue of their history so that he could really be done with washing his hands of Haru once and for all. The wound cause by Rin's words the day before--I'll never swim with you again--was still too fresh for Haru to simply trust that he wasn't.